I can vividly remember being in middle school, or younger, even, and thinking that twenty somethings were so grown-up and so with it* and I was certainly never, ever going to get there. (*Emphasis added for childhood angst). My 13 year old self would look at someone my age and think "Man, there's a grown-up! She's probably so cool and has lots of money and a husband and dammit I wish I was her age!" Twenty-somethings were surely, in my mind, the pinnacle of cool adulthood. And at that young, impressionable age, it felt like I would never get here, to almost twenty-eight. But here I am, in what seems like the blink of an eye (I hate cliches but it's the most applicable phrase for how quickly it seems to have gone) and I'm still trying to figure out if I am a grown-up. Or rather, what it means to be a grown-up.
Legally of course, I am an adult. I can vote, smoke (though I don't) purchase and drink alcohol (I don't even get carded anymore), purchase insurance at a rate that isn't ridiculous, rent a car, buy a house, BUY a car, stay up late, eat ice cream for dinner, etc.etc. I have a 'big-girl' job that I work 8-5, with a salary and benefits, a car, a husband, a college degree and I just applied to get another one. I am expected to pay my bills and am of perfect child bearing age (NOT PREGNANT). By all accounts, legal and semantic, I am an adult. But, am I a grown-up?
'Grown-up' conjures in my mind a few specific things. Surely, we knew our parents were grown-ups (though, not grown-ups like I perceived twenty-somethings to be), and if our younger selves had to describe a grown-up we would say things like "old," "tall," "big," "boys with beards," "girls have boobies" etc. etc. We were taught to both fear and trust grown-ups, (stranger grown-ups might not be safe, but police and firemen are also grown-ups who are also strangers but you can actually trust them HOLY CRAP HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE?!) to respect and listen to them, to strive to one day be an 'upstanding' one, whatever that meant. I'm not sure when the word "adult" becomes part of a child's vernacular. Perhaps it's easier for us to understand "grown-up" because we are told that we are growing! I think I would have thought adults were REALLY grown-up. Like, old people. Or maybe the term just seamlessly changed as I got older. "Act like an adult!" Got it. I know what that means.
I know that children see me as a grown-up (or at least I think they do), that I don't always feel like a grown-up (see ice cream for dinner) and that I've still got a lot of growing-up to do. I know that I can look at people in my age group and see both mature, well adjusted adults, and peers who act childish (or, what I perceive to be childish). I know that people have said to me. (I'm the first to say it of myself!) that I had to "grow-up too fast" because of the hand life dealt me, but that even though I demonstrated grown-up behaviors like cooking and cleaning, I don't ever recall feeling like one. I was a kid who did what I needed to do. Looking back on it now, I know that I was basically a mini-adult some of the time, but I was a kid in all the ways that mattered.
And now. Now I am approaching thirty, a walking, talking grown-up. I'm realizing that time is whizzing by and I need to make more time for me, more time for fun, more time to let loose! Maybe I'm not ready to be a grown-up yet. Perhaps tonight I'll stay up too late, eat cookies for dinner and say "nah nah na booboo' to my responsibilities. Who's with me?
Friday, May 23, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
Life & Lumps: A Public Service Announcement
Welcome to the new version of my blog! It was time to reinvent, revitalize, and refocus! A Hip Story started as a chronicle of my joint disorder and has morphed into a real expression of who I am, what I like, what I think, and how I live. This will now be more of a lifestyle blog; about my life here in Portland, things I love, being an (almost) thirty-something, professional woman and anything else that I feel like writing about! Please note the new URL; be sure to update your link, bookmark, etc. Welcome, welcome back, and please leave feedback in the comments!
Now that the business is taken care of, let me get down to the heart of the matter. A little more than a month ago, I got a really scary wake-up call. Now that I have the all clear, and have had time to digest it all with my husband, family, and close friends, I realize I need to write about it. For closure, for therapy, and for all of you. Because it's really important. Normally you might think this is a TLDR post, but you should read it.
On April 10, 2014, Ethan found a lump in my left breast. In the interest of full disclosure, allow me to say that a) my breasts are naturally pretty lumpy, b) I'm (fairly) good about self-exams, and c) my doctor actually said "Let your husband do it. Two birds, one stone." Boy, am I glad he 'checked,' that day. I was in bed that night, reading a novel about a young woman (31), at the height of her career, who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It reminded me that I hadn't checked in a while. Naturally, I ask Ethan to give me a feel. "What's that?" he asks. Haha, NOT FUNNY, I say. "Babe, no, really, what's that?" And sure enough, there it was. A pea-size lump that was very one of these things is not like the other. Instant panic.
Cancer runs in my family. My mom died of it, though hers was not breast. But other women in the family have had it, and my mom's best friend died of it, a few years before she did. I've always been afraid of it. And there I was, playing out all the bad scenarios in my head. I 9-1-1ed my closest girlfriends. What could this be? You had cysts, right? I Googled it (ALWAYS the wrong thing to do. ALWAYS). Thankfully, I already had an appointment with my lady-doctor the very next day for something routine. Which is so fortunate, because there's no way on God's green that I would have seen anybody that fast. Already, Ithought hoped someone up there was looking out for me.
The lady-doctor did her checking and then I told her. At first, she couldn't find it, but when she landed on it, her facial expression changed, and I took it to mean "THIS IS THE WORST, BUY A COFFIN" because I am a worrier. She suggested because of the location, and family history, that we get an ultrasound to assess the lump. "Can we do it tomorrow?" "Should I just cut them off now?" "Maybe it will go away if I ignore it." These are all the things I thought in that moment. And in all the moments of waiting. Because there was a lot of waiting. A LOT. And that's just the worst. Because I am my own worst enemy.
Enter: Breast Care Center in Scarborough, a division of Maine Med. I need to take a minute to tell you about this amazing place. Every person, all of them, from reception to physicians, were extraordinary. Kind, patient, sweet. I have never been treated better by any physician's office ever ever.. I suppose, due to the nature of what they deal with, they have to be that way, and it takes a special person to do that work. But it made the process so much easier.
So, I'm there meeting with a Nurse Practitioner. An amazingly sweet lady. I lay down on the exam table and she says on the ultrasound we will see one of three things. We will see nothing, which means it's breast tissue and nothing to worry about. We'll see a cyst, which is also nothing to worry about. Or, we'll see a solid mass. And the only way to know what those are, is to biopsy. Somewhere, in the pit of my belly, I know it's option three.
I do not let Ethan leave my side. He acts strong for me, but I know he too, is terrified. We go into the ultrasound room. I had hoped the first time we'd be in a place like this together is listening to our baby's heartbeat. Instead, I am in an ugly johnny, open in the front, exposing myself to the world and looking at the inside of my boob on the ultrasound machine. It's not very interesting, just a lot of white stuff until BAM. There it is. My lump. E and I took to referring to it as "The Target." The Target has been found, the Target has been scanned. It looked like I thought it might; a near perfectly round black void in all the white. There it was. The radiologist was going to look at it right then and tell me. The NP finally comes back and says "we think it's a fibroadenoma, a benign solid mass." Think was not going to be good enough for me. She says "we can wait six months, ultrasound again, and biopsy if we need to. Or biopsy now, which is the only way to confirm 100%. " She gave me her card because I was to overwhelmed to say anything at that moment.
I knew I wouldn't feel truly at ease until I knew for sure it was benign. So, we scheduled a biopsy. More waiting. Visions of gigantic needles stabbing my boob fill my thoughts. By this time, it's been more than two weeks since lump-gate. Everyone tells me I am doing the right thing getting the biopsy. I agree. Finally, the day arrives. Again, more exposure, ugly johnny, but this time there is an ENTOURAGE of people in the room. Me, Ethan, the nurse, the radiologist and an MD. I'm not sure I've flashed that many people at one time. Maybe in college. Unlikely. The GOOD news is, the radiologist was super hot, so at least if I am about to be stabbed repeatedly in my boob, it would be by a good looking, charming man. I remember saying to E before everyone arrived "I hope the radiologist isn't a dude. It would be weird." But then I saw him, and it was okay. The biopsy itself wasn't terrible. The worst part was the SOUND. This awful plastic click, like those annoying clapper things you get at sporting events, but louder and more gun-like. I didn't watch the needle. Ethan did. Bless his heart. They had to get THREE samples. By the third one, I felt the pressure of the needle, but thankfully no pain. The Target has been probed. The Target has been tested.
They sent me home (back to work, because, what else am I to do) with an ice pack. I had to shove said ice pack into my bra for 15 minutes every hour. I'm pretty sure my left nipple will always be a little hard, because of all that ice contact. The worst part? I had to SLEEP WITH MY BRA ON that night. Because, the day wasn't punishing enough. The BCC called the next day to check in on me, again a measure of how wonderful they are.
Forty-eight hours later, nearly 4 weeks after The Target was discovered, I got a call from the NP. The fibroadenoma was confirmed. No negative cells. Benign. Come back in 6 months for a follow-up. I basically cried right there in my office. Relief. Epic relief.
The Target is benign.
I am young, the odds it was cancer were slim, though less so for me than for others with no cancer in the family tree. But I tell you what, I was scared to death, and so was my husband. So, here's what I learned/realized:
-Fibroadenomas are common in women my age. They can be related to hormones/hormonal changes.
-I will remain diligent about my health; eating right, exercise. I want to always be ready to fight off something bad, just in case.
-I have an AMAZING support system. I have the best friends, family, co-workers. I told a couple people I work with, one of whom sent me a very nice card during the stretches of waiting, which I received via campus mail on a particularly trying day. You all mean more to me than you know.
-I will check myself always, and have Ethan check often as well. I will not let more than a week go by without hands on boobs. I can't, now. I won't. You shouldn't either.
So, ladies, before you go to bed tonight, give yourself a breast-exam. Or let your partner. Or both. If you're a dude reading this, remind the ladies you love to check themselves, and offer to help (unless it's your mom or sister or something, but whatever I don't judge).
Now that the business is taken care of, let me get down to the heart of the matter. A little more than a month ago, I got a really scary wake-up call. Now that I have the all clear, and have had time to digest it all with my husband, family, and close friends, I realize I need to write about it. For closure, for therapy, and for all of you. Because it's really important. Normally you might think this is a TLDR post, but you should read it.
On April 10, 2014, Ethan found a lump in my left breast. In the interest of full disclosure, allow me to say that a) my breasts are naturally pretty lumpy, b) I'm (fairly) good about self-exams, and c) my doctor actually said "Let your husband do it. Two birds, one stone." Boy, am I glad he 'checked,' that day. I was in bed that night, reading a novel about a young woman (31), at the height of her career, who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It reminded me that I hadn't checked in a while. Naturally, I ask Ethan to give me a feel. "What's that?" he asks. Haha, NOT FUNNY, I say. "Babe, no, really, what's that?" And sure enough, there it was. A pea-size lump that was very one of these things is not like the other. Instant panic.
Cancer runs in my family. My mom died of it, though hers was not breast. But other women in the family have had it, and my mom's best friend died of it, a few years before she did. I've always been afraid of it. And there I was, playing out all the bad scenarios in my head. I 9-1-1ed my closest girlfriends. What could this be? You had cysts, right? I Googled it (ALWAYS the wrong thing to do. ALWAYS). Thankfully, I already had an appointment with my lady-doctor the very next day for something routine. Which is so fortunate, because there's no way on God's green that I would have seen anybody that fast. Already, I
The lady-doctor did her checking and then I told her. At first, she couldn't find it, but when she landed on it, her facial expression changed, and I took it to mean "THIS IS THE WORST, BUY A COFFIN" because I am a worrier. She suggested because of the location, and family history, that we get an ultrasound to assess the lump. "Can we do it tomorrow?" "Should I just cut them off now?" "Maybe it will go away if I ignore it." These are all the things I thought in that moment. And in all the moments of waiting. Because there was a lot of waiting. A LOT. And that's just the worst. Because I am my own worst enemy.
Enter: Breast Care Center in Scarborough, a division of Maine Med. I need to take a minute to tell you about this amazing place. Every person, all of them, from reception to physicians, were extraordinary. Kind, patient, sweet. I have never been treated better by any physician's office ever ever.. I suppose, due to the nature of what they deal with, they have to be that way, and it takes a special person to do that work. But it made the process so much easier.
So, I'm there meeting with a Nurse Practitioner. An amazingly sweet lady. I lay down on the exam table and she says on the ultrasound we will see one of three things. We will see nothing, which means it's breast tissue and nothing to worry about. We'll see a cyst, which is also nothing to worry about. Or, we'll see a solid mass. And the only way to know what those are, is to biopsy. Somewhere, in the pit of my belly, I know it's option three.
I do not let Ethan leave my side. He acts strong for me, but I know he too, is terrified. We go into the ultrasound room. I had hoped the first time we'd be in a place like this together is listening to our baby's heartbeat. Instead, I am in an ugly johnny, open in the front, exposing myself to the world and looking at the inside of my boob on the ultrasound machine. It's not very interesting, just a lot of white stuff until BAM. There it is. My lump. E and I took to referring to it as "The Target." The Target has been found, the Target has been scanned. It looked like I thought it might; a near perfectly round black void in all the white. There it was. The radiologist was going to look at it right then and tell me. The NP finally comes back and says "we think it's a fibroadenoma, a benign solid mass." Think was not going to be good enough for me. She says "we can wait six months, ultrasound again, and biopsy if we need to. Or biopsy now, which is the only way to confirm 100%. " She gave me her card because I was to overwhelmed to say anything at that moment.
I knew I wouldn't feel truly at ease until I knew for sure it was benign. So, we scheduled a biopsy. More waiting. Visions of gigantic needles stabbing my boob fill my thoughts. By this time, it's been more than two weeks since lump-gate. Everyone tells me I am doing the right thing getting the biopsy. I agree. Finally, the day arrives. Again, more exposure, ugly johnny, but this time there is an ENTOURAGE of people in the room. Me, Ethan, the nurse, the radiologist and an MD. I'm not sure I've flashed that many people at one time. Maybe in college. Unlikely. The GOOD news is, the radiologist was super hot, so at least if I am about to be stabbed repeatedly in my boob, it would be by a good looking, charming man. I remember saying to E before everyone arrived "I hope the radiologist isn't a dude. It would be weird." But then I saw him, and it was okay. The biopsy itself wasn't terrible. The worst part was the SOUND. This awful plastic click, like those annoying clapper things you get at sporting events, but louder and more gun-like. I didn't watch the needle. Ethan did. Bless his heart. They had to get THREE samples. By the third one, I felt the pressure of the needle, but thankfully no pain. The Target has been probed. The Target has been tested.
They sent me home (back to work, because, what else am I to do) with an ice pack. I had to shove said ice pack into my bra for 15 minutes every hour. I'm pretty sure my left nipple will always be a little hard, because of all that ice contact. The worst part? I had to SLEEP WITH MY BRA ON that night. Because, the day wasn't punishing enough. The BCC called the next day to check in on me, again a measure of how wonderful they are.
Forty-eight hours later, nearly 4 weeks after The Target was discovered, I got a call from the NP. The fibroadenoma was confirmed. No negative cells. Benign. Come back in 6 months for a follow-up. I basically cried right there in my office. Relief. Epic relief.
The Target is benign.
I am young, the odds it was cancer were slim, though less so for me than for others with no cancer in the family tree. But I tell you what, I was scared to death, and so was my husband. So, here's what I learned/realized:
-Fibroadenomas are common in women my age. They can be related to hormones/hormonal changes.
-I will remain diligent about my health; eating right, exercise. I want to always be ready to fight off something bad, just in case.
-I have an AMAZING support system. I have the best friends, family, co-workers. I told a couple people I work with, one of whom sent me a very nice card during the stretches of waiting, which I received via campus mail on a particularly trying day. You all mean more to me than you know.
-I will check myself always, and have Ethan check often as well. I will not let more than a week go by without hands on boobs. I can't, now. I won't. You shouldn't either.
So, ladies, before you go to bed tonight, give yourself a breast-exam. Or let your partner. Or both. If you're a dude reading this, remind the ladies you love to check themselves, and offer to help (unless it's your mom or sister or something, but whatever I don't judge).
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
An Award!
My friend Tracey, new to the blogosphere (check her out over at Run For Fun), nominated me for a Liebster Award! Thanks, pretty lady!
The Liebster
Award is awarded to bloggers, by other bloggers with the intention of
connecting the community and bringing new visitors to blogs with fewer
followers OR to a blog you love! While I'm not new to the game, new followers are always welcome, so I am so honored Tracey thought of Hip Story! It's sort of a publicity meets chain letter meets tell us about yourself. And I can't wait to dive in!
Here's how it works:
The rules are that I will answer the 10 questions that Tracey gave us (the blogs she nominated)- then I will nominate a bunch of blogs and ask them questions! The bloggers that I nominate have to link back here- hence spreading the love!
Game on!
1. Why did you start blogging?
This is a great question! Nearly 4 years ago, I needed to have surgery on my left hip. I was born with hip dysplasia, and have had PT off and on for probably more than a decade. In 2008 & 2009 the pain had become so bad, I needed a surgical option. Not replacements (yet) but something to ease the bone on bone grinding. A coworkers suggested I blog about the experience. It's evolved, for sure, but that's why I started!
Tracey, thanks again for nominating me. Mal, Adam and Brenda, I look forward to your answers!
Here's how it works:
The rules are that I will answer the 10 questions that Tracey gave us (the blogs she nominated)- then I will nominate a bunch of blogs and ask them questions! The bloggers that I nominate have to link back here- hence spreading the love!
Game on!
1. Why did you start blogging?
This is a great question! Nearly 4 years ago, I needed to have surgery on my left hip. I was born with hip dysplasia, and have had PT off and on for probably more than a decade. In 2008 & 2009 the pain had become so bad, I needed a surgical option. Not replacements (yet) but something to ease the bone on bone grinding. A coworkers suggested I blog about the experience. It's evolved, for sure, but that's why I started!
 |
| Not Maria's actual x-rays, though, mine are pretty dope |
2. Who, what, and/or where does your blogging inspiration come from?
Initially, as I discussed above, the inspiration was my chronically bad joints. As the healing process drew to a close, I wanted to keep writing/blogging. Now, lots of things inspire me. I use this as a medium to talk about whatever interests me, from current events, to products, to stories about my life. Things and people I think are hip. ;)
3. If the moon was made out of cheese, would you eat it?
Without hesitation. Cheese is one of my main food groups. Sorry, science, but if the moon was made of cheese, I'd be on it like Armstrong.
4. What time of day do you write the best content for your blog?
Evening, unless something strikes me at a certain moment. Sometimes, when I am trying to fall asleep (and my brain flicks into thinking mode because it likes to betray me) something will occur to me. I've been known to get up out of bed and grab the computer and start a draft. So I don't lose the idea. Sometimes I realize in the morning that they were just shit, but occasionally, GOLD, JERRY!
5. What is your favorite quote?
I have so many favorite words. Sometimes, my favorite changes based on what's going on in my life. One that has always resonated with me is: "There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is
the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love." -Johnny Depp It just resonates with me. He's so wise. I bet he was looking all wise, smoking, when he said this. Like this:
 |
| Johnny Depp? More like Johnny DEEP. |
6. What is the best thing about you?
This is an interesting question! I'm trying to think about what others would say. I'm very kind; I have a big heart. I cry at movies, TV, commercials, books. Happy, sad, doesn't matter. My dad says it's because I have a big heart. I always give a 100% to friendships and relationships (even when it backfires, and even if I get nothing in return). It's a blessing and a curse. :)
7. What makes you laugh out loud?
So many things!! I love to laugh. Puns get me a lot. My husband makes me laugh a lot too. Something got us going recently, I can't recall exactly what. But we both had tears of laughter running down our faces. I think it was something about changing the ending of a movie. We laugh a lot. Also, silly things from Pinterest (I made a "funnies" board because I found so many lol-worthy things!).
8. If you were the main character in a movie, which actress would you want to play your role?
Is it totally cliche of me to say Jennifer Lawrence? I know she's everyone's favorite (for obvious reasons) but I think we could be besties. She loves food, she doesn't take shit from anyone, she's hilarious and kind. I think she could play me pretty well; she's clumsy too, and silly. I mean, she says stuff like this. I'm pretty sure she took the words right out of my mouth!
9. What did you want to be when you were a child?
A teacher! I was one of those nerdy kids who always wanted to 'play school.' I was ALWAYS the teacher. My mom was a teacher, and right up through sophomore year of college, I was pretty convinced I would be one. I was going to teach high-school English and that would be my life. Oh, how things change! I never aspired to be a dancer, or a movie star or anything like that. I even went as a teacher for Halloween once! My mom put me in an old tweed skirt suit, gave me a bun and put powder in my hair. I carried a briefcase to put candy in. Oh my god. That's so lame.
10. What was your favorite class in High School?
Nerd alert: I liked school. I was one of those raise-your-hand-are-you-collecting-the-homework school lovers (see #9) a la Hermione Granger. Hard to pick just one favorite, but I took an Issues in American Government class, with the dopest teacher ever, Mr. Beauparlant. He was this boisterous, loud dude with a sweet mustache who RADIATED a love of social studies. He referred to us as Miss. or Mister (Miss Kovacs, then) and demanded we work hard, but was also funny and engaging.
Alright, that was fun! Now, to my nominations!
-Mallory, who has a great story to tell over at Curb Cuts and Cocktails
-Adam's D.C., travel, and cycling musings: Mainer In a Strange Land
-Brenda's fantastically foodie Aesthetic Dalliances
And your questions:
1. Why did you start blogging?
2. What's your favorite vacation spot?
3. If you could have dinner with any one person, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
4. Who or what inspires you?
5. If a movie was made about your life, who would you want to play you?
6. What is your favorite childhood memory?
7. Have you ever had a moment of divine intervention? (or fate, sheer dumb luck, whatever you want to call it)
8. Which person in your life makes you laugh the most?
9. What's your favorite book? And because this is hard, you aren't limited to just one. Or just 5. :)
10. You can have three wishes granted from a magical genie. What are they?
Tracey, thanks again for nominating me. Mal, Adam and Brenda, I look forward to your answers!
xo,
Maria
Sunday, March 2, 2014
A Few of My Favorite Things
Recently I posted a photo of a product I have come to love. It occurred to me that I really wanted to share a few of my favorite things! Maybe you'll learn to love them. Maybe you'll learn something about me. This is the beauty edition; bits of my skin care routine and things that keep me beautiful from the inside out!
My lovely brother in law bought me a few MB samples for my wedding day makeup (thanks, Isaac!) and since then I have been in love. I've been told I have gorgeous skin (the secret is to drink lots of water, see below) but it doesn't stay that way without some TLC. There is an amazing line for all types of skin and needs (check out the website) but my favorite combo is the Seaweed Cleansing Soap and Seaweed Night Cream. The soap has little flecks of seaweed for gentle exfoliation. It's creamy and silky and smells WONDERFUL. The night cream literally feels like putting on a new layer of skin. At night I wash my face in the shower with the soap, then use the night cream for moisturizing. It is an amazing combination. A-
Specifically, Mint Melange tea. The benefits of tea are widely known, if for no other reason than antioxidants (also good for skin!). If I drink coffee after 3pm, I have trouble sleeping. About 6 months ago I swapped out my afternoon coffee for peppermint tea. It perks me up with its aromatics, helps with lunch digestion and really staves off the food coma & late day doldrums. I drink it black but it's good with honey. Guys, I don't even miss the coffee in the afternoon. A
A second Maybelline product (I actually have a lot of other Maybelline products) graces my list. This eyeliner makes cat eye lining a BREEZE. It goes on like a pencil, looks like a liquid and is so light. I went with the black for dramtatic eye days but it comes in many other colors. The tip is a spongy point, making it easy to get close to the lash line. I love the way it looks and feels. It has encouraged me to experiment with different lining techniques and is affordable. I am sometimes afraid the tip will break off and it's hard to tell when it has run out. Overall, a favorite. B+
Maybelline Baby Lips
These magical lip treatments have revolutionized my beauty routine. I am definitely one of those never-leaves-the-house-without-Chapstick girls. If I am someplace without something to smear on my lips, especially in the cold, dry winter, I actually panic. Enter: Baby Lips. I've seen the commercial. I wasn't convinced; let's be honest, the name is weird. Baby lips? What the? But these balms come in many tints and favors. They are a jazzed up Chapstick that totally can take the place of lipstick. Not to discount lipstick; I love a gorgeous painted lip. But this is subtle, perfect for my 9-5 work-day makeup.
Bonus: good for the lips! Vitamins and moisture. A+
Mario Badescu Skin Care
Bonus: It's affordable. I get it at Ulta in Portland. This combo is about $40 but lasts a long time.
Ello glass 20 oz. water bottle
You'll note in the skin care post, I made mention of water. We all know water is KEY to health and beauty. I always have water with me and it is one of my favorite beverages (yes! That's true!). I have tried many bottles; plastic gets stinky no matter how much you clean it. Metal is okay but one bottle had an obnoxious cap and didn't fit in my car cup holder. Then I found these. ($10 on Amazon!) and I don't drink from anything else. I bought four: two for each of us, so we always have a cold one in the fridge. I bring it to work, carrying it in my purse with no leakage. I go through 2-3 refills of these a day. The glass doesn't stink ever and it comes in great colors. BPA free, dishwasher safe. My major criticism is that it's kind of tippy (hubby agrees) but I've dropped it many times and it hasn't broken. B+
Bonus: No slip grippy rubber casing saves clumsy people like me!
Trader Joe's Peppermint tea
Bonus: The mint gives you fresh breath too, which is good if you're weird about brushing at work like I am.
Maybelline Master Precise eyeliner
Bonus: If you mess up (as I often do) it comes off easily! I don't even have to use my eye make up remover!
This ends the beauty/beverage edition of my favorite things. Stay tuned for another edition where I'll show you all my favorite "around the house" things. Leave me a comment if you try these things, I'd love to know what you think. What are your favorite beauty products?
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
A Rebuttal: "Marriage Isn't for You"
I am certain most of you have seen the viral post by blogger Seth Adam Smith entitled "Marriage Isn't For You." If you haven't, give it a read and then read this. I must have read it myself about 10 times. Maybe more. You see, I kept trying to read it in the hopes that it would come off less douchey and I'd eventually be able to agree with his sentiment. But, it doesn't and I don't (really).
His hook is in the title and is opening sentence. Very clever, Seth, but 'clever' is all the praise I can give you. His marriage philosophy comes from a piece of advice from his father. This advice was given after Seth shares his concerns about marrying his childhood sweetheart; his father tells him: "Seth, you're being totally selfish. So I'm going to make this really simple: marriage isn't for you. You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy." And this is where I went..."Huh?" Then I kept reading and realized it gets even more cringe-worthy:
"More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you're marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children." I seriously had to resist the urge to shout out- OH NO HE DIDN'T. What is almost more shocking is how viral this went, and how many people were like "OMIGOD he's so right!" (in my circle, it was young, non-married women, oddly enough).
Mr. Smith is correct, but only on a small level. Selflessness is certainly key in a marriage; there needs to be give where there is also take. Each partner needs to do their best to try to make the other person happy. You should treat your partner with love and respect and honesty. If you are being a d-bag, you should stop because you are hurting the other person's feelings. These are all real truths. Still, Seth seems to scream from the rooftops, reminding us: "To all who are reading this article -- married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette -- I want you to know that marriage isn't for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love." I get what he's saying; it's a nice message. But it leaves something out. Marriage is for the other person, but it should also be for you.
Our blogger talks candidly about feelings of "fear" and "resentment." He was "callous and selfish." Now, if you are being selfish in that douchey "I-have-all-the-toys-and-you-can't-have-any" way, then you deserve to have your wrist slapped. But, I argue that there is room for selfishness in a relationship; to some degree, there should be selfishness in a relationship. Let me tell you why and how.
My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart (my story is so similar to Seth's) and we were young, terrified, in love, and young. There was some give and take, until it became one giving more and one taking more and then no giving at all. Until I couldn't reach him and he couldn't reach me, and the Great Wall was erected between us. Until we had outgrown each other. Everything was falling down around us. And because, I, like Seth, believe in being totally selfless and have always cared for those around me, I stuck it out. I stuck it out longer than I should have, through our wedding, buying a house, our first jobs. I had so much anxiety and sadness and fear, but we had something to prove, and I was operating under the "Marriage Isn't For You" umbrella. I ignored my own needs and feelings. Self-care went completely out the window. Not too long after the feelings started bubbling, I did things I regret (he did too), and things that hurt him because I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want to hurt is family. When everything was coming to a head, I called my therapist and said " I feel like I am being selfish, but I am not happy and I think I need some space." She told me, sometimes, you have to be selfish. This is my caution to you all: Selfless is good, but do not ignore self-care.
What Seth fails to point out is that marriage should also be for you; you should be getting what you need spiritually, physically, and emotionally from a relationship. Completely sacrificing yourself, your needs, your feelings to appease the other person isn't love. I'd LOVE to hear Mrs. Smith's take on this. What was going through her head in the moments when he was being a jackass? He claims she showed him an "outpouring of love," gave him a hug and suddenly 'it's all good.' I am sorry. I love my husband, but when he's a jackass, I will tell him so, and not always "lovingly." I will tell him my needs aren't being met. I will tell him he is hurting my feelings, because my feelings are important too. Because this marriage is for me, too.
The other part of Seth's philosophy, about marriage being for family, is even more rage-inducing. First, he implies that every married couple wants children. Newsflash, Seth, some couples are childless (whether by choice or inability) and are okay with that. He also implies that the only way to have a family is to have two married people and they must have children. What about people who have children but never marry? What about single parents and widowers and LGBT people who may not be able to get married where they live? His father's reference to PFO (potential future offspring) came with the question: "Who do you want to help raise them? Who do you want to influence them?" These are fair questions, to be sure. Lots of us who are interested in having children want a partner who would make a good parent. But as I point out in my post on family, many people can become part of a family. Many adults can have an influence on children. It is a rather antiquated notion that the family unit be comprised of married people with children. Ethan and Ophelia and I are a family as we are. We plan to grow as a family, but we are no less a family now because we have no non-furry children, and we were a family before we were married.
So Seth, my marriage is for me and it's for Ethan. It's for Ophelia, our fish, our extended family and for our future children. And friends, I appreciate his sentiment on some levels, I do. Promise. But don't let this, or any other marriage 'advice' dictate whom your marriage is for or what it should be about (like, for instance, this piece of nonsense which deserves its own rebuttal). In the words of my good friend Dove Chocolate: If it feels good, do it.
Friday, November 1, 2013
On Family
In follow-up to my posts On Friendship and On Love, this time of year is worthy of a post on family. As my faithful readers and friends know, my mother died when I was a young girl. Tuesday the 29th of October marked 16 years since, and this time of year always makes me reflect on her, on family, and on thankfulness. I have realized that it seems I have a lot to say about family, and this is the best forum I have to say it.
My childhood was so different from that of most of my peers. There's the obvious difference of losing my mom when I was young, though that happens more often than it should. But there are other things that set my family apart. My parents were in their late 40s when they had me; dad was pushing 50. This means that there was a generational gap between my parents and their children; a gap MUCH bigger in some cases than my peers (case in point; Ethan is 10.5 years older than me, and his parents are 10+ years younger than my dad). File that away and add this; there is also a cultural gap. Dad was born in Budapest Hungary in 1938. English was not his first language, democracy was not his first government. He's a history lesson for another day, but suffice it to say that this added another interesting -and sometimes frustrating- layer into the family soup. Now file THAT away, and add in my big brother, who is a wonderful and sweet human being on the autism spectrum and who is one of my most favorite people on this planet. That's us. The 4 of us were a small, unique unit. I never knew my dad's parents nor my mom's father. My maternal grandmother was alive but lived in Washington State and I only met her a few times before she died at the age of 97 when I was 13 (she outlived two of her children and was a tough lady who is also worth another blog post of her own). This means that I never really had a relationship with my grandparents, or at least not the kind that most people my age do. My dad is an only child, and my mom's living sibling (my Aunt Liz) and her family lived and still live in Washington State. Thanks to the aid of technology, I keep in touch as much as I can, but I've never felt truly close to them. That's the abridged version of my family, the moral being that it's pretty small, and that's both happy and sad.
Our family really shapes us; their presence or absence, who they are and who they teach us to be. The first humans/adults we are ever exposed to are our parents, or people who are like parental figures. I used to think my small, odd family was something to be ashamed of. It alienated mesometimes a lot of the time. My brother and I were raised by "old school" parents, so we didn't do a lot of things other kids did. Our family trips were educational in nature, or to visit the extended family. People used to mistake my parents for my grandparents. I know now, as an adult, that I was fortunate to be brought up this way. We had dinner together almost every night. Sundays were reserved for church and lunch. My dad read to us at night and did all the voices (he does a mean Woody Woodpecker). My mom was a SAHM and had snacks and homework help waiting after school. Dad often told us his own really interesting stories, which are better than any textbook. When mom got sick, I learned to cook, clean and iron. She brought me to chemo with her and taught me subtle lessons in compassion. I know with certainty that I am the woman I am because of the family I came from.
This is not to say that it was all sunshine and roses. Death, age, mental illness; these all take a huge toll on the family unit. My dad lost his best friend; the woman who kept him grounded and took care of the kids. Suddenly, it was just him. This is where things unraveled a bit, and what makes a nice segue into a discussion on families in general.
Fast forward to now; I've got a wonderful husband who comes with a wonderful (and even bigger) family. Lots of families are created by marriage! I was fortunate to have married a man with two amazing, living parents and endless aunts, uncles and cousins. My MIL is one of 6 and my FIL is one of 4, so the MacDougal/Lape family is full of love and life. I was welcomed into the fold almost instantly, even before Ethan and I got married. I gained a brother and a sister in the deal too. My immediate family unit is so small that we can blend the family easily at holidays. When my family comes over for Thanksgiving, it's only two more place settings. I could not have asked for a better family to marry into, and it is so nice to experience the ups and downs of a large family. I am surrounded by good people, and that makes me so happy!
I get to be part of two families; I probably have around 120+ people I can call family, when you count my real family, my adopted family, my by-marriage family, and friends who are like family. That's a LOT of people. And having so much family around has taught me many things. Here are some of the biggest:
-All families are unique. Furthermore, just as I thought my family was odd, alienating and not like any other, if I ask anyone else from these other families, they would probably say the same thing.
-A small family is just as fun as a big family
-Families are not without drama. Similarly, sometimes it's the family member you least expect that you end up having the best relationship with
- There can be a silver lining in almost any crisis, even death. I am 100% sure I would not be the woman I am today if my mom were still here. Don't mistake me, I miss her every day and I wish she had not died,but that experience shaped me in ways I am forever grateful for.
-Pets are family too (shout out to Wendy, Lucille, Ophelia, Mittens, Charlie, Teddy, and Lola!)
Don't forget to call you mom/dad/FARM/DARM, sister/brother/cousin/friend.
My childhood was so different from that of most of my peers. There's the obvious difference of losing my mom when I was young, though that happens more often than it should. But there are other things that set my family apart. My parents were in their late 40s when they had me; dad was pushing 50. This means that there was a generational gap between my parents and their children; a gap MUCH bigger in some cases than my peers (case in point; Ethan is 10.5 years older than me, and his parents are 10+ years younger than my dad). File that away and add this; there is also a cultural gap. Dad was born in Budapest Hungary in 1938. English was not his first language, democracy was not his first government. He's a history lesson for another day, but suffice it to say that this added another interesting -and sometimes frustrating- layer into the family soup. Now file THAT away, and add in my big brother, who is a wonderful and sweet human being on the autism spectrum and who is one of my most favorite people on this planet. That's us. The 4 of us were a small, unique unit. I never knew my dad's parents nor my mom's father. My maternal grandmother was alive but lived in Washington State and I only met her a few times before she died at the age of 97 when I was 13 (she outlived two of her children and was a tough lady who is also worth another blog post of her own). This means that I never really had a relationship with my grandparents, or at least not the kind that most people my age do. My dad is an only child, and my mom's living sibling (my Aunt Liz) and her family lived and still live in Washington State. Thanks to the aid of technology, I keep in touch as much as I can, but I've never felt truly close to them. That's the abridged version of my family, the moral being that it's pretty small, and that's both happy and sad.
 |
| Dad Peter, Stephen holding baby Maria, ugly furniture |
Our family really shapes us; their presence or absence, who they are and who they teach us to be. The first humans/adults we are ever exposed to are our parents, or people who are like parental figures. I used to think my small, odd family was something to be ashamed of. It alienated me
 |
| True Peter silliness * not his real mustache |
***
I've been extremely fortunate to be welcomed into two big, loving families who are not blood related, but who may as well be. Growing up, we had a church family, which was so important and so lovely. But that too, was polarizing. Enter: friends who turn into family. I met the Poulins probably in 1996. They moved in right next door and had a daughter named Aimee. She is one of the few friends I have who knew my mother. We became fast friends, and remain to this day like family. I held her baby brother David (who is turning 16 soon- yikes) when he was a few days old. I get invited to the family Christmas party every year. Her mother is my FARM (female adult role model- it's our running joke) and her grandparents are the closest thing to actual grandparents (my dad rented from them for years; it was a family affair!). At the risk of getting too mushy and embarrassing anyone, I will just say that Aimee's family has been as much a part of shaping who I am, if not a little more. Much as I believe our family shapes who we are, I believe also that we can choose our family; or else, God or The Universe assigns us a family when one is not available. Susie has many brothers and sisters; I became the adopted cousin of a big, nutty family nearly seamlessly. My immediate family was so small and so different; and then, by more than chance, a family showed up just when we needed it the most.
 | |||||
| Aimee and Maria, Ice Storm of 1998, ugly hats |
Fast forward to now; I've got a wonderful husband who comes with a wonderful (and even bigger) family. Lots of families are created by marriage! I was fortunate to have married a man with two amazing, living parents and endless aunts, uncles and cousins. My MIL is one of 6 and my FIL is one of 4, so the MacDougal/Lape family is full of love and life. I was welcomed into the fold almost instantly, even before Ethan and I got married. I gained a brother and a sister in the deal too. My immediate family unit is so small that we can blend the family easily at holidays. When my family comes over for Thanksgiving, it's only two more place settings. I could not have asked for a better family to marry into, and it is so nice to experience the ups and downs of a large family. I am surrounded by good people, and that makes me so happy!
 |
| Isaac, Ethan, blushing bride, Brecken |
-All families are unique. Furthermore, just as I thought my family was odd, alienating and not like any other, if I ask anyone else from these other families, they would probably say the same thing.
-A small family is just as fun as a big family
-Families are not without drama. Similarly, sometimes it's the family member you least expect that you end up having the best relationship with
- There can be a silver lining in almost any crisis, even death. I am 100% sure I would not be the woman I am today if my mom were still here. Don't mistake me, I miss her every day and I wish she had not died,but that experience shaped me in ways I am forever grateful for.
-Pets are family too (shout out to Wendy, Lucille, Ophelia, Mittens, Charlie, Teddy, and Lola!)
Don't forget to call you mom/dad/FARM/DARM, sister/brother/cousin/friend.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Weddings: You Can Go Your Own Way
Wedding season is upon us! From April through September, brides and grooms all over will be tying the knot in all kinds of moving and lovely ceremonies. Parties will be thrown, family and friends will eat, drink, and be merry and it will all go by in a blur. This wedding season, two dear girl friends are getting married and I couldn't be more thrilled! Erin and Jillian have weddings in August and September, respectively, and I look forward to helping them celebrate. A little more than a year ago, I wrote this post about second weddings. I do not claim to be an expert on weddings, but that was a fun post to write, and I have been inspired to write another. Jill's been asking me questions and running things by me and I figured I would do another wedding post. Jill and Erin, this one's for you (and for all you other brides [and grooms] out there).
A disclaimer: I am no wedding expert. I've just done it twice and been a guest at a ton. What you are about to read here is my opinion only. I do not condemn anyone's choice to do a small intimate wedding or a big, lavish, traditional wedding.I mostly just think couples should do what makes THEM and not OTHERS happy. Also, sorry this is super long.
Tradition vs. 'Non-traditional'
There are hundreds of wedding magazines, TV shows and books. There are probably thousands of wedding blogs, websites, bridal shops, etc. When one thinks of a wedding, very specific things come to mind. White dress. Cake. Flowers. Music. Food. Dancing. This is because Americans have been doing weddings pretty much the same way for ages and ages. In fact, there are whole websites dedicated to 'doing it right.' The Knot's links down the left hand side are a handy, built in checklist, so as not to forget one single thing. Part of the struggle for modern day brides (and grooms) is figuring out the perfect wedding day. Many women have had their perfect wedding planned since they were little girls, right down to the most minute detail. Others get engaged and think- 'oh shit, now I have to plan a wedding. What now?' For the not-already-planned wedding for the not-so-prepared bride, planning is extra tricky. There's the desire to please everyone, including yourselves, the pull from society to "stick to tradition," and the voice in your head screaming "elope! elope!." Friends, family, strangers, Martha Stewart; everyone's got an opinion. I am here to remind you that the only opinions that matter are the persons* getting married.
*I am trying to shy away from just "the bride and groom" because weddings can be bride and bride or groom and groom and I want this post to be applicable to all couples. Love is love!
My first wedding held to many of the traditional components. White dress, tuxes, flowers, church, food, music, etc. Even then, we cut some corners and tried to save money (more on this later). My second wedding could not have been more different. I liked the second one better (for a multitude of reasons). Not to discredit the fun and style of my first wedding, but this time around, we were so much less stressed and less broke afterwards, and so were our families. I got married in a purple cocktail dress in the living room of my in-laws' house with about 12 people looking on. We had some cake and champagne, but no meal served, no reception (a champagne brunch came months later) and after the wedding we got drunk with my new siblings-in-law at a bar downtown. The only "traditional" aspect was that my priest was there to do the ceremony. Ethan and I even wrote our own vows. When I tell people my wedding story, many times I hear "I wish we would have done ours that way." Most people are happy with the way they did theirs, but they always have an "I wish this hadn't happened" or "I wish we'd done xyz differently" or even "the whole fucking thing was a nightmare and we should have eloped." Why does something that's supposed to be such an amazing, magical, beautiful day bring so much stress and anxiety to people? Why does there have to be "tradition" at all? I think if a couple wants to throw a huge, lavish, fancy wedding, go for it. Their friends and family should be supportive and engaged. If a couple wants to pull a MacDougal and go super simple and intimate, than they too should go for it. Don't worry about adhering to strict traditions; worry about what will make you the happiest. Here are some ways to 'break the mold.'
-COLOR
I am not talking about color schemes and making sure napkins match everything else
(though, go crazy- patterns, plaid, whatever you want!). I am talking about a dress that's not some variation of white. About bridesmaids dresses in different colors. I wore a short, purple cocktail dress. It was fancy, but it certainly is very different from my David's Bridal wedding gown from the first wedding. A few people said to me "you're not wearing a white dress? You have to wear a white dress, it's a wedding!" No. You do not HAVE to do anything you don't want to. I felt and looked so beautiful that day. Wear whatever color you want. A friend told her bridesmaids initially to wear whatever they wanted. They were all completely confused and needed to have actual bridesmaids dresses because "it's just what you do." They did end up going for coordinating dresses, but they will all be in different colors. It is going to look amazing.
-FOOD & DRINK
Picnic. BBQ. Potluck (gasp! did she really just say "potluck" in a wedding post?"). No food. Vegan. Gluten free. Food can be one of the most expensive aspects of the wedding. The expectation is that there will be a meal. We had finger foods, but no official meal. I think my own was the only wedding I've been to where there wasn't a meal. And while I've never been to one, I LOVE the idea of a potluck wedding. The invitation could read "we love you and we love trying new things, so please bring a small dish to share!" The RSVP could have them check off "entree, salad, or dessert." (If you did this or went to a wedding where this was done, please share in the comments!). Also, with so many dietary restrictions people have, I would not have even known where to begin with regard to food. I've heard of food for a wedding ranging from $50- $250 PER PLATE. And special dietary needs often cost MORE. Be creative! Certainly, if you can and want to serve surf & turf, do it. But if you and your future spouse LOVE pigs in a blanket, pork rinds and beer, SERVE THAT. Be sensitive to your guests' dietary needs, but the food at your wedding does not have to be limited to beef, chicken, fish or pasta.
-LOCATIONS & VACATIONS
A reminder; I got married in the living room of my in-laws' beautiful home on Portland's West End. A living room where we spent a lot of wonderful time. To us, it felt right. I've been to weddings at hotels, lodges, cabins, churches, community centers. Fall in love with some place, and do it there. I wanted God to have presence at our wedding, but I didn't feel like we needed a church. A priest in the living room solved that problem. Make it personal and special, then fit everything else in around it. Doing it the other way around (how many people, then find the space big enough to fit everyone) may lead to having the wedding in a generic spot that doesn't mean much to you as a couple.
Don't feel the need to immediately plan and leave on a honeymoon. If you've just spent tons of time and money on a wedding, you should not then feel as though you need to spend more on a honeymoon (unless you really want to). We took our honeymoon vacation months later when it was warmer out. We were 35 minutes from home, spent little money and had the time of our lives.Here in Maine's frigid climates, a lot of couples who marry in the summer take their honeymoon in the winter and travel to someplace warm. That's like, double the bang for your bucks!
The moral here is this: do what feels right.
Expenses
Recently on Pinterest, I found this:
Weddings can be outrageously expensive. There are even TV shows about the most expensive weddings. While I have never asked any one what they spent outright, I've heard numbers ranging from a couple hundred dollars to over $30,000. A friend's sister spent $5000 on her dress ALONE. She loved it and looked wonderful, but that number makes my head spin. Likewise, what if one or both families are not in a position to contribute financially (see: Maria's Dad)? I think a better checklist would be made by each specific couple. What do we really want, and how much can we spend? Do we need to ask family for help or can we do it ourselves? A bride or groom should not feel guilty because traditionally certain things are done by one side or the other. And have people forgotten that by getting married, a couple is joining their families? Why do there have to be 'sides?' Do what you can afford. At my first wedding, we did cupcakes instead of cakes because it was way cheaper and easier. If you have the money to spend and want to throw a giant party for your wedding, by all means, do that! But that should not be the expectation for all couples. Some money saving suggestions:
A disclaimer: I am no wedding expert. I've just done it twice and been a guest at a ton. What you are about to read here is my opinion only. I do not condemn anyone's choice to do a small intimate wedding or a big, lavish, traditional wedding.I mostly just think couples should do what makes THEM and not OTHERS happy. Also, sorry this is super long.
Tradition vs. 'Non-traditional'
There are hundreds of wedding magazines, TV shows and books. There are probably thousands of wedding blogs, websites, bridal shops, etc. When one thinks of a wedding, very specific things come to mind. White dress. Cake. Flowers. Music. Food. Dancing. This is because Americans have been doing weddings pretty much the same way for ages and ages. In fact, there are whole websites dedicated to 'doing it right.' The Knot's links down the left hand side are a handy, built in checklist, so as not to forget one single thing. Part of the struggle for modern day brides (and grooms) is figuring out the perfect wedding day. Many women have had their perfect wedding planned since they were little girls, right down to the most minute detail. Others get engaged and think- 'oh shit, now I have to plan a wedding. What now?' For the not-already-planned wedding for the not-so-prepared bride, planning is extra tricky. There's the desire to please everyone, including yourselves, the pull from society to "stick to tradition," and the voice in your head screaming "elope! elope!." Friends, family, strangers, Martha Stewart; everyone's got an opinion. I am here to remind you that the only opinions that matter are the persons* getting married.
*I am trying to shy away from just "the bride and groom" because weddings can be bride and bride or groom and groom and I want this post to be applicable to all couples. Love is love!
My first wedding held to many of the traditional components. White dress, tuxes, flowers, church, food, music, etc. Even then, we cut some corners and tried to save money (more on this later). My second wedding could not have been more different. I liked the second one better (for a multitude of reasons). Not to discredit the fun and style of my first wedding, but this time around, we were so much less stressed and less broke afterwards, and so were our families. I got married in a purple cocktail dress in the living room of my in-laws' house with about 12 people looking on. We had some cake and champagne, but no meal served, no reception (a champagne brunch came months later) and after the wedding we got drunk with my new siblings-in-law at a bar downtown. The only "traditional" aspect was that my priest was there to do the ceremony. Ethan and I even wrote our own vows. When I tell people my wedding story, many times I hear "I wish we would have done ours that way." Most people are happy with the way they did theirs, but they always have an "I wish this hadn't happened" or "I wish we'd done xyz differently" or even "the whole fucking thing was a nightmare and we should have eloped." Why does something that's supposed to be such an amazing, magical, beautiful day bring so much stress and anxiety to people? Why does there have to be "tradition" at all? I think if a couple wants to throw a huge, lavish, fancy wedding, go for it. Their friends and family should be supportive and engaged. If a couple wants to pull a MacDougal and go super simple and intimate, than they too should go for it. Don't worry about adhering to strict traditions; worry about what will make you the happiest. Here are some ways to 'break the mold.'
-COLOR
I am not talking about color schemes and making sure napkins match everything else
(though, go crazy- patterns, plaid, whatever you want!). I am talking about a dress that's not some variation of white. About bridesmaids dresses in different colors. I wore a short, purple cocktail dress. It was fancy, but it certainly is very different from my David's Bridal wedding gown from the first wedding. A few people said to me "you're not wearing a white dress? You have to wear a white dress, it's a wedding!" No. You do not HAVE to do anything you don't want to. I felt and looked so beautiful that day. Wear whatever color you want. A friend told her bridesmaids initially to wear whatever they wanted. They were all completely confused and needed to have actual bridesmaids dresses because "it's just what you do." They did end up going for coordinating dresses, but they will all be in different colors. It is going to look amazing.
 |
| Looks black here, but it's a dark purple. I didn't even wear tights! |
-FOOD & DRINK
Picnic. BBQ. Potluck (gasp! did she really just say "potluck" in a wedding post?"). No food. Vegan. Gluten free. Food can be one of the most expensive aspects of the wedding. The expectation is that there will be a meal. We had finger foods, but no official meal. I think my own was the only wedding I've been to where there wasn't a meal. And while I've never been to one, I LOVE the idea of a potluck wedding. The invitation could read "we love you and we love trying new things, so please bring a small dish to share!" The RSVP could have them check off "entree, salad, or dessert." (If you did this or went to a wedding where this was done, please share in the comments!). Also, with so many dietary restrictions people have, I would not have even known where to begin with regard to food. I've heard of food for a wedding ranging from $50- $250 PER PLATE. And special dietary needs often cost MORE. Be creative! Certainly, if you can and want to serve surf & turf, do it. But if you and your future spouse LOVE pigs in a blanket, pork rinds and beer, SERVE THAT. Be sensitive to your guests' dietary needs, but the food at your wedding does not have to be limited to beef, chicken, fish or pasta.
-LOCATIONS & VACATIONS
A reminder; I got married in the living room of my in-laws' beautiful home on Portland's West End. A living room where we spent a lot of wonderful time. To us, it felt right. I've been to weddings at hotels, lodges, cabins, churches, community centers. Fall in love with some place, and do it there. I wanted God to have presence at our wedding, but I didn't feel like we needed a church. A priest in the living room solved that problem. Make it personal and special, then fit everything else in around it. Doing it the other way around (how many people, then find the space big enough to fit everyone) may lead to having the wedding in a generic spot that doesn't mean much to you as a couple.
Don't feel the need to immediately plan and leave on a honeymoon. If you've just spent tons of time and money on a wedding, you should not then feel as though you need to spend more on a honeymoon (unless you really want to). We took our honeymoon vacation months later when it was warmer out. We were 35 minutes from home, spent little money and had the time of our lives.Here in Maine's frigid climates, a lot of couples who marry in the summer take their honeymoon in the winter and travel to someplace warm. That's like, double the bang for your bucks!
The moral here is this: do what feels right.
Expenses
Recently on Pinterest, I found this:
 |
| Who decided this?! |
-BE THRIFTY
Buy a used dress/rent a tux. If you both aren't totally attached to the idea of buying new wedding garb, rent/buy used. No one has to know if you don't want them to, but I hear this is becoming a trend. Take "something old" and "something borrowed" and run with it.
-LIMIT GUESTS
This sounds terrible, I know. BUT. Your wedding should be about you and your partner and who you want to have there. It is easy to get caught up in "if we invite so and so, then we also have to invite this person and this person and this person." If you don't want certain people there, don't invite them. This will save money and your sanity.
-BE CREATIVE
Find interesting things on Pinterest you can make yourself, look for Dollar Store finds, up-cycle and recycle, etc. You'll be doing your wallet and the environment a favor.
***
I could ramble on forever about this, but I will spare you the rest of my opinions/non-advice for another time. There are two weddings this summer that I'll be going to, and I couldn't be happier for either couple. I hope this post gives the stressed brides a chuckle, and maybe inspires other brides-to-be.
Happy Wedding Season!
Find interesting things on Pinterest you can make yourself, look for Dollar Store finds, up-cycle and recycle, etc. You'll be doing your wallet and the environment a favor.
***
I could ramble on forever about this, but I will spare you the rest of my opinions/non-advice for another time. There are two weddings this summer that I'll be going to, and I couldn't be happier for either couple. I hope this post gives the stressed brides a chuckle, and maybe inspires other brides-to-be.
Happy Wedding Season!
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