Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Deep Thoughts* and Burning Questions

*I'm no Jack Handy, but I hope this will at least make you chuckle, giggle, snort or smile.

I like to think I am at least somewhat witty. I've filled this blog with medical based posts, unsolicited advice and opinions, tributes, etc. Most of my posts are laced with at least some snark/humor/failed attempts at wit. So, please consider this post an attempt at all out humor and wit.

If you heckle me, I'll go Louis on you okay?

How do actors get paid? No, really? This is something I think about probably more than one person should spend time thinking about. Does Tom Cruise get a giant multi-million dollar check at the wrap of a film? "To the bank, Jeeves!" and then a deposit? Or better yet, do they have direct deposit? I'm sure there's royalties on stuff; RDJ probably makes BANK on sales of Iron Man action figures. Does a $.03 deposit get made to his bank account every time someone buys one? I'm sure this all depends on what level of celebrity you are. My friend Louis up there probably gets handed some cash at the end of a set. The likes of Pitt, Clooney, Hanks, Jolie, Aniston et. al likely don't get cash in hand...right? They likely have a money manager/accountant. Do they get an allowance? "Mr. Damon, here is your daily $3000 allotment. Don't spend it all in one place like last time. No one needs that many NERF guns."

More specifically, color namers. Somewhere out there, at paint companies, fabric/furniture companies, clothing companies, people are PAID to come up with the names of colors. Gone are the days of ROYGBIV and primary colors. We painted our bathroom "Down Feathers" and "Peach Smoothie." Ethan brought home his color swatch kits from the firm. We were looking for a nice green. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the 25 shades of green, ranging from "Quiet Meadow" to "Mint Julep" to "Dark Forest." How does one get the job of being the "decider" of color names? Art students? Starving artists? Wordsmiths? I am certain that people receive a PAYCHECK to decide what to call a shade of light red. I don't think anyone would want me to name colors. A strip of reds would probably say:

Dark Red
Light Red
Still Red
Less Red
Are you blind these are all the same Red.
And why aren't some just realistic? "This looks great on the swatch but will turn out to be the shade of baby diarrhea
when it dries Yellow."


"The enemy of my enemy is my friend." NO. The enemy of my enemy is person #2 who hates my enemy. I therefore want nothing to do with either of them. 

"I'll tell you when you're older." I heard this as a kid, I am sure we all did. But you might as well tell them now. What they dream up in their head is probably worse than the information they want to know.

"Don't judge a book by its cover." As related to looking at humans, sure. Absolutely. But actual books? If the cover art blows, the title is purposefully/ironically misspelled (Kid's Korner Krafts), the author is someone I hate, or any combination of the three, you bet your spectacles I am judging it by its cover. 

Okay, I read these, but you see my point

I'm still trying to understand hipsters. Naturally, I started here. Correct me if I am wrong, but when I was younger, all the stuff that makes one a "hipster" these days is what used to be made fun of endlessly. I've had glasses, enjoyed books, wore band t-shirts (okay, it was Hanson. Shoot me) when I was in middle/high school. I lived an "alternative lifestyle." The 'alternative' to rich/athletic/popular is poor/uncoordinated/nerdy. I had 'hipster glasses' before they were known as such. Are hipsters cool? Not cool? Prefer to be unclassified? Enlighten me. Do hipster teenagers get made fun of in school? Are they the top of the food chain now? 

What if the cultural norm for urination/defecation were going outside, like animals? Would it seem gross if we had never known otherwise? Who decided we needed a special room & porcelain receptacle? 

I have two webbed toes on each foot. Dave Letterman has two webbed fingers on one hand. Long lost relatives?

"The early bird gets the worm." Only if there's enough worms. And it's not winter. And a fisherman didn't get there first.

It is now acceptable to be a "cat lady." True story. A bunch of my Twitter followers are cat ladies. Or maybe it's just acceptable to us, but since we ban together, we know no different. 

Rainy Snowy days and Mondays always get me down.

No comments:

Post a Comment