Monday, February 6, 2012

Winter sucks

Ice is my nemesis. I mean, it's most peoples' least favorite (except of course for hockey players) but I think it's literally out to get me. When one is as clumsy as I am, ice is like the worst imaginable scenario. Sunday morning I planned to visit Trinity Episcopal Church and had to park about a block away (dear Portland, I hate your lack of parking) so I had to walk a ways. I had very sensible shoes on and as I walked, a little nervous about the new environment, I noticed patches of ice around me. Except for one. The one I slipped on. On bricks. I looked like this guy (minus the coffee, thankfully):

Sorry dude. Can I buy you another?
I landed almost flat on my back.  I got up, brushed myself off, did a quick assessment to make sure my hip was still functional (it was sore, but not terribly so) and then looked around in a panic to make sure no one saw me. No one else was on the street and if passers-by in cars saw me, no one stopped. Phew! I hobbled the rest of the way to the church doors, literally praying that I didn't look as disheveled as I felt. If anyone noticed, they paid attention to their Christian values and said nothing.

Thankfully, my hip was unharmed. I landed mostly on my surgical side, so despite my sore ass this morning, I'm okay. My arm and neck also hurt. At this point I'm just thankful 1) I didn't crack my head open and 2) my hip was not injured. There's likely to be some bruising though. I'm like a peach.

Ethan tells me lately that I need to work on my situational awareness and my clumsiness. Much of Sunday after said slip and church service was a series of little missteps, toe-stubbings, and near-falls. I'm beginning to wonder if I've got Vertigo or some other neurological nonsense. How many times can a person trip/fall in a month before one should talk to the doctor? I noticed some of the ice that morning, but not all. I miss-stepped and stubbed my toe on the leg of the ottoman that's always in the same place in our living room. "Pay attention to your situational awareness" says Ethan. He's not wrong! One night I woke up from a dead sleep having to pee. I stumbled to the bathroom, flicked on the light and nearly screamed: his bathrobe was hanging on the back of the door, but I thought it was a person. A person. Hanging on our door. Crazy, right? But that's what I saw. In that moment I felt like this:
Turns out the man with the shovel wasn't so scary.
But right after, I shook my head in disgust at myself and vowed not to tell Ethan in the morning (I did tell him). How does one "work on" not being clumsy and seeing what's around? Are there obstacle courses for that or something? This girl walks into door jams and thinks there are bathrobe monsters in the bathroom at night. Is there any hope for me? Not to mention, sidewalks are covered with ice. If I spend my time scanning the sidewalk for ice, I might not see a pole in front of me, then I'd walk into it. Apparently, I can't win.

I'm beginning to wonder if Ethan's going to start springing situations on me or jumping up behind me in the dark (he did that once recently and nearly got punched). Maybe he will, and maybe it will help, but I'm not sure anything can be done about the suckage of winter. Time to hibernate!
Not coming out. Not no way. Not no how.
If I don't leave my bed, how can I fall down or be scared by bathrobe monsters? Problem solved.

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